Batik na Puti

Crunch Time--Again!

2008-09-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

;_; I'm back to beating the books again. Will post something longer soon. XP

Reliving Chivalry

2008-05-31T19:03:00.001-07:00

I went to church early today because tomorrow, Sunday, I'll be early in the clinical setting. I put on a loose preggo-look blouse and slacks with matching heels. I went to church alone too. When I got out of the car, an elderly man in a Mercedes parked behind me and walked to church. He walked ahead of me and he took a seat. Coincidentally, there was a free seat beside him so I took it. When I sat, he spoke, "I should've walked with you."

I laughed. A gentleman, in these times? Certainly, this man is a jewel. I can only say his wife (he's married, I saw his wedding band) is one of the luckiest ladies in the world.

After mass, the old man offered his arm, and I took it while he said, "You better walk with me. Because you parked in front of me..."

I had to finish his sentence with a smile, "So you can leave easily."

We both laughed. I felt comfortable with his demeanor, an easy going man with seemingly nothing to lose. He befriended a stranger and spared her a presumptuous remark.

"Are you pregnant?"

I looked at my stomach. Was it really big? I denied his claim and laughed. He simply apologized and said he was too presumptuous. I wasn't really insulted but I had to not break his tender heart.

"If I was pregnant, I'd be the next Immaculate Conception."

Being the devout Catholic that he is, he let out a hearty laugh. He said he felt refreshed talking to me and that the world needed more people like me. In turn, I said the world needed more gentlemen like him.

After parting with pleasantries, I drove off with a smile and a good mood. Feeling good like this has been pretty rare for me, and I'm thankful that I'm still able to smile.

Journal Entry No. 2

2008-05-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

You can tell I'm liking Psych Nursing somehow (mostly because it's a form of 'self-help').

May 24, 2008

I was having a hard time picking a patient today. I didn't want to pick anyone who was bound to leave the next day. I eventually picked a suicidal adolescent who had issues with self-esteem.

My partner and I were assigned to take the girl adolescent unit's vital signs. While we did our work, I noticed that some of the girls had cut marks on their arms. Their smooth, youthful skin, marred by lines of red that blooms into white. I wonder what anguish brings them to try and destroy their humanity.

I watched one of my classmates do some therapeutic communication. From her, it seemed so natural and I thought it was going to be pretty hard for me to do that. I always have been a quiet person and I don't naturally strike the conversation. I had difficulty approaching my patient, C. She was surrounded by these other girls who seemed to do nothing but giggle among themselves. And I wasn't feeling particularly friendly either. When I meet C's eyes, I'd just smile and nod. Oftentimes, she would just look away.

During group, I was surprised to find that the female therapist was tired of asking the same old stuff (i.e. how are you doing). The group just began started talking about 'sex'. Unfortunately, the therapist seemed to have no control over the patients. The discussion simply went on and on until they ran out of time.

The unit seemed peaceful until the end of the day. A patient apparently cut herself again with a knife from the kitchen. The nurse became a little aggressive when she resisted to remove all her piercings. Before we left, she had all her piercings off and had her wounds treated.

It was scary to think that these children were so deeply troubled. You'd generally think, how could this have happened to them when you went through your childhood/puberty successfully? And you'd wonder, could this have happened to me?

Journal Entry No. 1

2008-05-24T20:52:00.001-07:00

This is part of my requirement for Psych Nursing. We're required to have a daily journal from our clinicals so here goes.

May 18, 2008

Today was our first day in clinical. Everyone in my group was rather tense. We all knew this rotation was going to be different. Although what we didn't know was what to expect.

We were first oriented to our requirements and later to the facilities. With the numerous doors, it took me a while to figure which way was out. I just had to know.

When we marched up to the adolescent unit, I was mortified to learn that they had roughly 30 patients, all under the age of 18. All of these kids were ill? Given my own history, it made me wonder how the situation would've been in my day. When Mrs. Hagerman had the door open for us, one of the patients tried to push his way through. Thankfully, Mrs. Hagerman was quick and didn't let him out. The boy mumbled foggily, 'I have to get out'. Was this place really so forsaken? I hope not.

Everything was written (which is a good thing in my honest opinion). All the work was done by hand and there was no room for laziness.

We went to the adult units as well and listened in to their group sessions. The therapist was at the center and the patients sat around him, a few yards away. They started talking about how they felt that day and what they liked to accomplish. I was moved by how they knew what they wanted to do. All they needed was the little guidance of their support system so they could take the few steps forward towards their goals.

I think I'll actually like this rotation. These patients could actually be an inspiration for a lot of people, especially me.

Boredom At Its Best

2008-05-10T18:03:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't have traded in Heavenly Sword. I shouldn't have. Now, I'm bored as hell with CoD4 and Katamari Damacy. I need new games. Sadly, I don't have the money.

I worked hard for my Maternity class and got rewarded for it. But now, Psychiatric Nursing is here. And hell, just at the beginning, I already have so much to do. 14 bloody chapters for the first week. God help me.

Hm.. Is it possible to even die of boredom? Let's see.

Crunch Time

2008-05-03T15:21:00.001-07:00

Finals next week. I have a whole book to read for 4 days. God help me.

Post will be short and simple.

I have no friends. I am emo. /wrist.

The Death of a Rose

2008-04-27T18:04:00.000-07:00

I've taken a couple of weeks lightly. It's not so bad. But now, I'm back to working harder. Apparently, I've lost my sense of reality. I'm still in school, not on vacation. But then my parents aren't being any help.

For the past few weeks, we've been going out on weekends, looking for the house to buy. We've seen a little over 70 houses so far. It has been difficult. But then lately, tension has been rising. You'd think, that if you live under their roof, you'd be part of the decisions. Especially now, you're of legal age. You'd seriously think they'll listen to what you think. To your dismay, they'll say "You have no part in this."

...What? They plan to make me pay for the bloody house they want to buy and I have no say in it? I'm not paying for something I don't like.

Kung ayaw mo, di ka titira dun.

I won't. I am sure as bloody hell, I ain't paying for it.

Then they start saying, "You're going to buy a new house 10 years after we buy this one so no worries." Since when did you start deciding what I am going to do with MY money? You put me into this line of career and I can't bloody decide for myself what I want to do with the fruits of MY labor?

Then my dad says I'm not contributing to the housework. How the hell am I going to contribute to bloody housework when I have to read 220 pages this weekend? I'm not presenting myself? How do you think I'll even finish my reading if you keep watching bloody TV in full volume and fall asleep on it? And you wonder why your kids stray from you.

I wonder what will happen to either of you if I get into an accident and die. Who'll save you then?

Now begins the death of a rose. Slowly. But surely.

Epiphany

2008-04-14T10:05:00.000-07:00

The parental units are aware of my grade.

Early in the day, my mom talked to me about how it happened and all that. I tried explaining to her that my classes aren't that easy. But then again, maybe she's not ready to listen at all.

I let them play their role as parents. I'll simply stay quiet in my corner, and try to read my book as usual. Just so they won't blame me again for low grades. Every word they utter against me is a burden to carry. I want to be free of it. But then again, I can never change it. I can never change my parents, even if I wanted to.

Nevertheless, move on, little one. There's a lot more you can make up for. There's a lot more in which you can do better with.

But part of me begs to differ. Is this really what I tell myself? So I can move forward? My own words are not enough to push me farther.

Mulat, wake me from this nightmare.

Rant Post # 2

2008-04-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

How can you laugh at this time? How can you keep that silly grins on your faces when all you do is laugh and have fun? There's the right place and time for that. Now is not it. Stop asking me when you heard it. Or if you didn't hear it, start TRYING to hear it. You can't keep relying on other people to do your shit for you.

I work hard to succeed. You mooch off of others with your silly giggles and your childish ways. Grow up and see the world! It's not all fun and games. When you work, you work. Keep your fun and amusement elsewhere.

And stay away from me.

Temper

2008-04-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

This is a rant post.

Y: Ano ba nangyari?
X: Di ako makafocus sa binabasa ko
X: Si Mama panay ang galaw dito kaya di na ako makabasa
X: So ginagawa ko nakikipag-usap na lang ako
X: Eh yung friend ko na may ari ng server na nilalaruan ko
X: Nagrarant sakin, kasi konti lang tao sa server nya
Y: Ganito na lang.
Y: Go invisible.
X: Can I finish venting first?
Y: Hindi naman malaking problema yung problem ng friend mo eh.
Y: Sure.
X: Then papa comes home
X: Walang ginawa kundi mamintas
X: Ano gusto nya gawin ko? Mag-exercise habang nagbabasa?
X: Ngayon lang ako nakakuha ng tahimik
X: Sabay banat kaya raw ako nananaba
X: The fuck do I care about me gaining weight?
X: Paki ba niya? Katawan ko to
X: Problema ko to
X: Wag na sya makialam
Y: I get that too from my folks.
X: Wala naman syang gawin sa bahay
X: Ayaw maghugas ng pinggan
X: Lahat ng pinagagawa ni mama sa kanya sakin pinapasa
X: Tapos pag ayaw ko sasabihin nagchachat lang naman daw ako
X: Fuck this
X: Tapos pag makikita ako umiiyak sasabihin Ano ba problema mo?
X: Putangina
X: Putanginang yan
X: Ayoko na...
Y: Shh..
Y: I'm just here when you need me.
X: I need you.
X: I need to cry.
X: I need to scream.
Y: *hugs*
X: I need to break something.
X: If I don't...
X: I will break.

Sigh of Relief

2008-04-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

Who would think realistically enough that they could get an A in the final?

That would be me.

End gloating. But yeah, I passed my final. Wins = 3. Losses 2. Overall, I passed my class (although with a C). It's not bad if you ask me. Med/surg is really difficult. The material has been compressed to 6 weeks, material that is worth 1 year in the Philippines.

But enough ranting. I am free of Med/surg and now confronting Maternity.

All that hard work paid off. I have cried for many nights, worrying about my exam. What if I fail? What kind of humiliation will I have to put up with? For how long will I be hearing from my parents that I am a failure? And if I pass, for how long will I be relieved? What if I stumble again? At night, I'd pray for guidance so I can fulfill His will.

While I am typing this, my stomach growls. This calls for a break.

Breathe Before The Plunge

2008-03-28T21:47:00.000-07:00

Five days before the dreaded day. I'm getting my bag ready for tomorrow. Oh dear.

Four days without a computer. It's not so bad, really. I just really have to focus on my studies.

Well good luck with that.

Turmoil of Thoughts

2008-03-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

Wins: 2, Losses: 2. I need one more battle to win this war. I'll rally other troops if I have to. But morale has been pretty low. Although honestly, my morale has been boosted by a half-step. I've worked hard and thank God my hard work is being rewarded. Don't worry, I'll work harder for a better reward.

I quote my friend, Joyce.

"This class is breaking a lot of good people."

It has always upset me to see people give up as we climb the ladder of our career. We've only gotten through the first few steps. People have been falling and refusing to push further. Why give up now? There's still another chance. Hands are extended forward to you. Grasp it! Open your eyes to the truth that we can still make it! Don't fall behind. We're a family. A pack. (No, we're not tampons).

Just today, I helped my parents carry their groceries up to the third floor apartment. Half an hour later, I experience a burning low back pain. I put an ice pack on it but it won't go away. I'd take a painkiller but I'm allergic. What luck. Either an allergy or pain.

I'd pick the pain. At least I have an excuse to just lie down and be useless. :P

On a darker note, a friend's father passed away. It makes you think, how would it feel like to lose a parent? One by one, members of our generation is being tested by ill tidings of illness and death. And it makes me think, what would happen to me if I lost a parent (God-forbid)?

I haven't been very thankful for them lately. But today, I woke up late. I had a quiz too. I rushed to dress up and woke my mom up. "Mom, I need a ride. I'm late." She got up, dressed as decently as she could in 10 seconds and jumped to get her license and the car keys. We were out of the house in 5 minutes, complete with a Tupperware™ of dinuguan and rice (don't forget the fork and spoon wrapped in plastic). In 15 minutes, I was in school and taking the quiz.

My parents have done so much for me. I am the youngest of three and I am the last to reap the benefits of their unconditional love. Waking up to a possibility of not having them around stimulates even the remotest sense of fear. I may not seem to like them (referring to my previous posts) but I love them with all my heart. I owe them my life. I do not want to see them go.

Oh. Happy Monthsary to us. :) To life and to love.

New Banner!

2008-03-25T00:14:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of my good friend, Smirnoff. :D No not the vodka (I wish though). But hey, I like how he did it. :) Thanks!

Easter Blues

2008-03-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

It is Easter Sunday. We did not have an easter egg hunt. There is no justice in the world. This is our revenge.

Falter Not

2008-03-22T16:22:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, my constitution has been wavering between losing hope and pushing forward. It has been a tough battle. And it is just a battle, not yet the war.

I've been unable to completely focus on my studies being here at home. I can never escape from the sporadic errands and favors my parents ask me. Should I say no, I get a nasty comment or a remark that they keep between them. This often leaves me harassed and unable to focus afterwards.

Just today, I got a comment for not wanting to the laundry. I did it, anyway. But hell, if I wasn't needed to, I wouldn't have.

I did it, anyway.

And when I thought I had the whole day to be quiet, they started rearranging furniture.

@*()$#*@&#(*&!!!!

In a desperate attempt to save my grade, I asked a friend who offered me to sleep over her house so I can study. She said she'd let me stay for the following weekend (before finals). I asked my mom and got a heaven-sent "yes".

With the feeling of renewed strength and faith, press on, soldier.

Back to the books, I go.

Student Nurse

2008-03-15T23:58:00.000-07:00

I was in clinicals the other day. The hospital barely had enough nurses to keep their floors going. But being the student, we're left to follow the school's decision. You decide you go there, be it heaven or hell, and stay there till the end of the semester.

My charge had Alzheimer's disease. Like my grandfather who had passed, she suffered from dementia. She would struggle against her wrist restraints, claiming that she has to go to church. Unable to help, I offered that we pray instead, in hopes of calming her down. We prayed the Lord's Prayer. She mouthed the words like they were the alphabet. Hearing her recite it was like music to my ears.

These past few days, I've been rocked by the reality that school isn't always easy. When I took care of my patient, I've never felt so motivated in my life. There's the road ahead. The only thing I need to do is take the step forward.

Second Week of School

2008-03-10T18:56:00.000-07:00

I've been in school for two weeks. Just two weeks. I have no idea why it feels like I've been it for two months. It must be the fact that I have spent so much time in school, just to watch bloody videos that are required. I have had four chapters on my reading list. I've done three. I have one more to go.

For two quizzes, I've had to do two remediations. It makes me wonder. Am I really that stupid? Well maybe not. I'm just plain lazy to study. And since I spent majority of the day studying, I've been slacking off. Again.

Someone bash my head with a desk. I need some real sense knocked into my head.